super computer. I learned these tricks from years of experience. Soon you
will see how to turn a piece of junk into a 9000 mhz dream computer.
Fig. 1. A basic 486 running at 88mhz
Step 1. Colored lights
By altering the color of your LED's your sure to pull in at least 50 more mhz. Be sure
to use a color that is not normally used for computer LED's. Here, I've changed mine to blue.
This indicates to other computer users that your system has been modified. Watch out!!!
Fig. 1a. Those blue LED's indicate speed!!!
Step 2. Paint Job
Everybody knows a good paint job will add at least 175mhz. The crazier and uglier you
paint it, the faster it goes!!! Be sure to add some pin striping, metal fleck, and 2-tone it if you
can (as I've done here with the green/purple combination) My machines goes almost 250 mhz
faster because I added the custom checkerboard flag design.
Fig. 2a. Custom paint
2b. Here we see a close up of my pimpin' pinstripes.
Fig. 2b Take a close look at that radical pimp-striping!!!
Step 3. Fart Pipe(s)
To grab that added performance out of your cooling fan, be sure to add an enormous
fart pipe. With this small performance option, you can take your machine well into the next
level of computer processing. Please note, It will be extremely loud, but isn't all that extra
speed worth it? Here I've gained close to 1000 mhz of power, and over 800 decibels of sound. Whoa!!!
Fig. 3b. You can add 2 pipes, even if your computer only
has one cooling fan. No one will know the difference!
Step 4. Performance Stickers
Scientists have not proven how or why adding stickers to the side of your machine will
enhance your performance, but IT WORKS!!! Don't feel restricted to use stickers of performance
parts that you have/use. Notice I have Intel, AMD, Motorola, AND SGI stickers on the side of
this beauty!!! The mhz power gain is now off the charts because of my well placed NOS (nitrous
oxide systems) sticker!!!
Fig. 4a. Look how much faster it goes with all those stickers!!!!
Step 5. Monitor Blocker
Here is a tip that not many people know about: The view blocker. Apply a logo of
your make and model of monitor (no matter how crappy) across the top 1/2 to top 3/4 of
your monitor screen. This is where you really customize your computer by giving it a
powerful, yet thought provoking name like, "Teal Dream" or "No Limits". This will really
let the other computer users in your office KNOW that you have one fast machine. Here
I've named mine "Ridiculous Illusions" powered by Gold star.
Fig. 5a. Your visibility may be hindered,
but no one will mess with you now!!!
Step 6. Giant Fin / Spoiler
Now for the real performance booster. Not only will this mod increase mhz, but it will
completely optimize memory usage AND hard disk space. Construct your fin / spoiler out
of anything from cardboard to pig iron. Here, I've used some heavy steel- you should see me
crunch the numbers!!!
Fig. 6a. That wing could stabilize anything!
Fig. 6b. Close up of my stainless steel spoiler.
NOTE: Actual performance gains may vary. Total modification on this system was greater than -250 mhz.
The fart pipes reduced cooling fan performance by 50%. Our custom spoiler not only made the system
unmovable, but caused the monitor to over heat. Modify at your own risk.